I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
