sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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