Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
