even my farts smell like vagina
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
