I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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