our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
