He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
