So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
