Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
