Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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