I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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