Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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