Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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