Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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