Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My ass is underappreciated
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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