his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
