I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
