Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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