Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
