I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
she peed on how many people?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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