this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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