I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
