Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
