Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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