Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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