This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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