Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
