I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
should my penis look like a turkey
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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