Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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