I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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