How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
