i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
