Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
