Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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