you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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