whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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