Well douche your snatch and let's go!
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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