I cannot find my penis.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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