Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
