Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
