He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just threw up on my dentist
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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