dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
