Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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