the new term for farting is butt boxing.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
