explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
