I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
