woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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