How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
