This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
