I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
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