Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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