Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
