The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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