I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
my nose is crying tears of wow.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
