My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
